So hear me out. It’s 2025. The economy is weird, rent is $4,000 for a closet with exposed brick, and crime is apparently doing parkour in both Los Angeles and New York. Now, instead of investing in sensible infrastructure, police reform, or literally anything else, I propose a bold, visionary solution:
Let’s go full John Carpenter and just turn NYC and LA into actual maximum-security prison states.
Yes, Escape from New York and Escape from L.A. — those gritty, mullet-powered dystopias starring Snake Plissken and 14 pounds of eye-patch charisma — are no longer just cult classics. They’re urban planning blueprints now.
Step 1: Wall ‘Em Off
Let’s start with New York. We already have bridges and tunnels—perfect choke points for keeping the riff-raff in! Throw up some rusted razor-wire, slap a giant “Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here” sign over the Holland Tunnel, and boom—instant penal colony.
Broadway becomes a gladiator arena. Times Square? Now Crime Square, where ex-hedge fund managers and subway breakdancers engage in Hunger Games every Tuesday at noon.
And yes, we’re keeping the pizza rats. They’re the new prison guards. Fully unionized.
Step 2: L.A. Goes Full Mad Max
Los Angeles already thinks it’s in an apocalypse. Between the wildfires, earthquakes, and influencers doing ASMR mukbangs in traffic—how is this not a penal wasteland already?
Santa Monica is now the beach where prisoners get exiled for being too cringe on TikTok. Venice becomes a warlord-controlled skate zone where only the strong survive. And Beverly Hills? It’s where the white-collar criminals go—literally, to continue their crimes but now without the burden of laws.
Hollywood reopens but only to film snuff-style remakes of Fast & Furious starring actual felons in souped-up Priuses.
Step 3: The Snake Plissken Protocol
We need heroes. Not politicians. Not social workers. We need… one-eyed Kurt Russell lookalikes.
Every six months, we airdrop one Plissken into each city, armed with nothing but a zippo, a leather duster, and a grudge.
He’s got 24 hours to find and rescue, say, Elon Musk who accidentally tried to gentrify the wrong street and got taken hostage by crypto anarchists.
Spoiler alert: Plissken leaves him behind. For the greater good.
“But Isn’t That Inhumane?”
To which I say: Have you been to LAX?
What’s more inhumane than trying to make a connecting flight in under 30 minutes while TSA agents treat your shoes like radioactive waste?
Besides, this plan offers real benefits:
- Crime containment!
- Affordable housing (for the rest of us).
- Live streaming rights! Think Netflix doesn’t want Escape From Williamsburg as a prestige series?
Bonus: The Fashion
Forget orange jumpsuits. Prison-chic gets an upgrade.
LA inmates in influencer activewear, matching their gang tattoos to their athleisure.
NYC prisoners in faux-fur coats from 2007, sipping bootlegged Dunkin’ iced coffee through stolen metal straws.
Snake Plissken? Still wearing leather in 104-degree heat, because he’s built different.
Final Thought
America already feels like a fever dream. Why not lean in? Let’s stop pretending we have functioning cities and just let the chaos cosplay as social order. Let’s build the walls, throw away the keys, and see who survives.
And if anyone escapes?
Let’s just make a third movie.
Working title: Escape from Chicago.
(But let’s be real—no one wants to go to Chicago in the first place.)
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